Originally posted as a Facebook status on my personal page.
I’ve been struggling. A lot. I have had a lot of circumstances playing out in my life the last few years that have been enormously challenging on my mental health.
Loved ones in crisis.
Some of the pieces I’ve alluded to here in long posts. Other pieces are public knowledge and are far bigger than me. But for the most part I’ve remained silent about some stuff. The hard bits involve mental illness and the accompanying shame and stigma prevent me from sharing the effects of the experiences freely. And that sucks.
Erik’s death five years ago was the beginning. I wrote about it once and as a result I was harassed pretty horrifically – orchestrated by one individual -despite the writing being overwhelmingly positively received.
Once a fairly prolific writer, that harassment silenced me. Not long after two other loved ones suffered some major ongoing mental health crisis for more than three years. None of it is over. And I am still not free to speak about it.
This has led to writer’s block (mostly not being able to complete projects), cognitive disfunction and some major executive function deficiency. The last six-eight months it has started to cause some significant problems in my life. Like being on the brink of depression.
I think I’ve been doing all the “right” things. I exercise. I eat well. I spend time with friends. But I think the issue is there is such a high level of emotional crap going on I’m not finding time to recover or effective ways to do so.
My go to has always been writing and sharing. And I feel as though I’ve been gagged. I recognized this and chose to pop the cork on all these bottled up words. Last week I wrote something I thought to be profound, honest and helpful – not only to me but to those who might read it.
I attempted to write earnestly (and briefly) about what has been happening but kept the identifying information out. My loved ones written *without* gender or relationship noted. I shared out of courtesy with one of the loved ones and I was met with anger and disgust.
I can’t share.
The good part is this; the cork has been removed. I may not be able to share that piece of writing but I am owning where I’m at. I feel the tides have shifted for me. I am writing. I AM WRITING.
With the writing comes the improvement of all the other parts of my life too. It’ll take some time to fix the non-emotional pieces of my life that have been falling to the wayside (or just completely neglected) these last number of months. I’m confident I’m starting on a path that will lead to fixing it.